


growing from the mistakes we make

by smartbuckley



Series: Buddie Codas [7]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Fix-It of Sorts, M/M, Panic Attacks, Pre-Slash, Stalking, episode coda
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-12
Updated: 2019-11-12
Packaged: 2021-01-29 09:27:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21407947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smartbuckley/pseuds/smartbuckley
Summary: Post 3x08 episode coda based off the following three prompts:Someone gimme Buck having a flashback of the firetruck when he sees the employee being crushed by the storage things. And when he hears his screams he runs out o the building cuz he just cant- he just cant go through that again.,where Buck and Maddie talk about her deed of stalking?andEither Buck bumping into Eddie after his chat with Bobby, or walking in on it, though the last one is loosely used as a prompt here.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Series: Buddie Codas [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1527032
Comments: 10
Kudos: 291
Collections: 9-1-1 Tales





	growing from the mistakes we make

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, so I absolutely loved episode eight. I'm excited for episode nine, of course, but I needed to post _something_ episode eight. And then I received the two prompts about Maddie and Eddie, and had to include my own with Buck getting triggered, and this came about. I hope all of you enjoy this, but stay safe, since I tried my best to explain a panic attack while it's occurring.

Watching Chimney walk away from Maddie and himself, Buck turned slowly towards his older sister with a small frown on his face. With the towel in his hands, he grabs the plate that Maddie had been washing as she passed it to him and dried it before setting it aside, watching her carefully. Buck can’t help but think about what Maddie admitted to earlier, and letting out a small breath, Buck finds himself leaning against the counter and placing the towel down, arms folded in front of his chest as he looks at Maddie with furrowed brows.

“What?” Maddie questions after noticing his stare a few minutes later. Buck doesn’t know how he can bring this up, but like always, Maddie can read him and her shoulders slump as she lets out a small breath of frustration.

“You want to talk about what I did in order to be going back to therapy,” Maddie states and Buck can only nod, because the last time Maddie went to therapy, they were kids, and Maddie had sworn to never do it again.

(Because Buckley’s had bad luck with therapists, apparently)

But apparently, she was seeing a therapist, and Buck found himself curious as to why, and needing to protect his older sister, even if there was nothing to physically protect her from.

“It would be nice, yes. I mean, I would understand if you didn’t want to tell me, but I hope you would feel comfortable enough to tell me. Especially since it’s something we’ve mentioned before.” Buck whispers, trying not to think about when he told Maddie about his own experiences with therapy, and how angry she had become on his behalf. He doesn’t have to wait long though, for her to come to a decision, a soft sigh escaping from her as she grabs two wine glasses and a bottle of white wine that Buck knows will be finished by the end of the night.

As Maddie pours the two of them a glass of wine, Buck makes his way to the couch, grabbing the remote and turning on a christmas movie, volume low as background noise before Maddie sits down next to him, grabbing a blanket to cover the two of them like they’re kids again, sharing secrets in the dead of the night.

“So, do you remember how Doug had befriended Chimney to hurt him?” Maddie begins while Buck frowns, nodding in his head at the memory and guilt, even though he knows he has nothing to feel guilty about. He watches Maddie carefully, taking another sip of his wine as he waits for her to say whatever she needs to say.

“Well, I kinda did the same thing with this caller. Except, I didn’t want to hurt her, I wanted to help her. And --” Maddie lets out another breath here and Buck can’t stop himself from turning towards his sister with furrowed brows, not sure what he could say in this moment. 

“Why… Was she being abused?” Buck asks after a few minutes, taking another sip of his wine while Maddie shrugs.

“She called at the dispatch center, and her call set off alarms, and she had called five times previously, in the span of two months, so I certainly thought so. But I couldn’t find any evidence of it being true,” Maddie ends up whispering, snuggling into Bucks side as he opens his arms up for her, humming softly as he thinks about her words.

“So you investigated her, found out where she went, and befriended her?” Buck questions, taking another sip of his wine while arching an eyebrow towards his sister with a small smirk, ignoring the way she lets out another sigh and shakes her head.

“When you put it like that…” Maddie responds with a small lilt to her voice while Buck chuckles, taking one more sip before turning his body slightly.

“It sounds like you were stalking her, Mads. And you might have had a good reasoning behind it, but yeah, you definitely shouldn’t have done it,” Buck whispers while Maddie groans, and he knows she knows he’s right, but she’s never going to admit it.

“I mean, maybe I was. But I didn’t feel like it. At least, I don’t think it felt that way? I have no idea,” Maddie groans, taking a larger sip of her wine than normal and Buck can’t help but laugh a little before blowing out a small breath and staying quiet for a few minutes. He knows Maddie’s heart was in the right place, but if she truly was acting without thinking, she would’ve let her emotions get ahead of her, like all other Buckley’s.

“And so she found out, how?” Buck asks, listening as Maddie goes on to explain about how her and Chimney had gone out and bumped into Tara and her husband; how Chimney had managed to put together what Maddie was doing, since she had told the woman she was still a nurse, and how he had chewed her out, so to speak. Buck didn’t know how to feel about that, knowing that Chim had every right to talk to Maddie about this, but still feeling weird about it, and protective over Maddie.

“And then what happened?”

“She came to the center to put a restraining order on me. I don’t really know how she found out, but she did. And then I was told I wasn’t going to be able to come back to work unless I got help.” Maddie whispers, looking at her hands while Buck frowns.

“And you’re going to see a therapist because you want to get back to work?” Buck confirms, humming once more when Maddie nods, grabbing her hand and squeezing while she turns to look at the television, not really paying attention to what’s being played.

“Then… are you ashamed? What’s going on in your mind, Mads?” Buck asks, watching Madde carefully as she shrugs, and he knows it’s not because she’s ashamed or unsure, but just in need of help, and he realizes now that she’s probably dealing with her own fucked up version of PTSD after everything with Doug.

“You know there’s nothing wrong with getting help, right?” Buck questions, ignoring the way Maddie snorts, knowing he’s being hypocritical but not finding it in himself to really care.

“Seriously Mads. I know I’m being hypocritical by saying so myself, but getting help is a good sign. And if you need me to, I’ll always be around for you to talk to someone,” Buck whispers, and he knows Maddie hears him by the she nods against his shoulder, but the two remain quiet for the rest of the movie, even when Chimney comes down to join them, ignoring the way they ignore their surroundings.

* * *

A few days later, and Buck is still thinking about Maddie and her therapy, wondering if maybe he should go to therapy himself, since he’s still unable to truly shower, or wash his hands. He doesn’t want to though, and he finds himself thinking that he’s fine, because it’s only just a little bit of water. 

He’s sitting around at the firestation, looking up therapists just in case when the alarms go off. The next steps are easy and something he gets lost in, so used to doing everything that he doesn’t really focus on anything on the drive over. Everything seems lost in swirls of colors, and Buck doesn’t quite understand why, but he’s been like this all day, and he wonders if it’s going to get any better.

By the time they get to the warehouse, Buck feels like he’s a little better, especially when he sees what’s going on and gets a whiff of that damn robot in the warehouse. 

“Did you… pee on this?” He asks, stepping backwards with a look of disgust on his face while Eddie mimics the look and Buck ignores the flinch of pain he sees before looking away, eyes widening as he notices the man pinned down from his legs, screaming for help.

Buck takes a deep breath and then lets it go, hands clenched into fists at his side. His vision blurs and he tries to take another breath, taking a step back as he focuses on the pinned man. He can barely hear what’s being said, his vision going in and out as his leg begins to hurt.

He can hear Bobby calling his name, but he can’t -- he can’t breath, he realizes. His chest hurts, and his leg hurts and he knows he can move but it’s like he  _ can’t _ , because his mind is stuck back on that one night, and his leg is pinned, and everything is numb and it hurts despite that, and Buck just wants to cry out and beg for help, but he doesn’t know if anyone would come for him, because why would anyone come for him in the first place? He loses sight of everyone around him, forgetting that he’s on a call, Chim and Hen kneeling in front of him, helping the man pinned, and Eddie somewhere to his side. He can only think about the fact that he could have lost his leg, he almost  _ did _ lose his leg, and then he almost lost his job, and then his family, and his life, and he doesn’t know what to do with all of this, his breathing coming out in pants.

He doesn’t know why but the room is suddenly much brighter than before, and Buck finds himself blinking, looking to see Bobby standing in front of him with a frown, his hands on Buck’s shoulders, mouth moving. He can’t hear what Bobby is saying, a ringing in his head as he tries to forget what it felt like when his own leg was pinned, and how numb he felt, and how he wondered if he was ever going to work again. It’s not something he likes to remember, and even with the sun shining in his eyes -- and seriously, when did Bobby bring him outside? -- Buck can’t stop the thoughts from running wild in his mind. He tries to clear them out though, shaking his head while falling to his knees, noticing Bobby looking at him but he doesn’t say anything, just stares at the captain with wide eyes while he tries to control his breathing.

“Buck,” he hears and Buck can only shake his head and continue trying to suck back breaths, ignoring the way Bobby’s hands squeeze his shoulders and how he frowns and maybe Buck should seriously consider seeing someone if he’s unable to panic over remembering what it was like to be pinned.

Maybe this… reaction isn’t worth it, he thinks. Maybe he should get help, despite his insecurities with a therapist, because he doesn’t think he can handle not being able to breathe like this, his chest hurting so much that Buck just wants to  _ sob _ , the way he did when he was alone in the hospital room with everyone having walked away from him and his problems. He shakes his head, trying to suck in more breaths, eyes widening as he lets out a small groan, slowly --  _ very slowly  _ gaining control of everything, which he’s so thankful for because it’s not like he had control of his legs, or the tsunami or ---

He doesn’t know how long this goes on for, but when he can finally breathe properly, Buck looks at Bobby and lets out a soft smile, itching to talk to Maddie, get out his emotions.

“Everything alright, Buck?” Bobby asks and Buck finds himself nodding, not wanting to get into it with Bobby.

“Everything’s fine. Just going to call Maddie. Did you need anything?” Buck asks, thankful for the older man when Bobby shakes his head with an arched eyebrow, and even more thankful when Bobby lets him go and Buck notices the rest of the team coming out with the man that was pinned. He still doesn’t know when Bobby dragged him outside, but he’s thankful his captain did, because as his cheeks turn a bright red, all Buck can feel in this moment is embarrassment coursing through his body. He tries his hardest to ignore the way Hen and Chimney look at him in confusion but his eyes seek out Eddie’s immediately, and he doesn’t know how to feel about that, but he shakes his head briefly and looks down at his feet, letting out a small breath while his hands shake as he grabs his phone, waving Eddie away when he notices the man frowning at him and stepping closer, like he wants to talk. He’s thankful for his best friend, misses telling him everything but right now, he knows that Eddie doesn’t need this kind of trouble in his life, not after everything else Buck has put him through.

He feels like he barely reaches Maddie in time, blowing out a breath as she answers her phone with a soft and confused ‘Evs?” while he begins talking to her. His voice is quiet, because even though everyone else is still working, Buck’s not stupid enough to believe they’re not trying to listen in on him, and as much as he loves his team -- he doesn’t want them to hear this.

He doesn’t want them to see him in his weak moments, not after all of the other times they’ve seen him weak. His entire body is shaking as he sits against the fire truck, his eyes closing as he tries to stay calm, his mind going back to the memories he found himself lost in while Maddie tries her hardest to calm him down.

* * *

Buck’s at his locker, fingers running through his short hair while he texts Maddie, biting on his lower lip while thinking of a response to her last text. 

_ It’s not that I’m worried I’ll sleep with this therapist, because I’m not. Not even remotely. I’m more-so worried that I’ll be judged? And that… I don’t know, Mads. I think I’m just scared in general?  _

Buck ends up texting, slowly making his way to his truck while letting out a soft sigh, not sure what else he can say to his sister, especially so she understands how he’s feeling. When he finally gets to his car, he can’t help but blink in surprise when he sees Eddie standing in front of his car. Frowning, Buck steps closer, tilting his head before shrugging.

“What’s up, man?” He asks, frowning when he sees Eddie hunched inwards, moving around awkwardly. Buck feels something in the pit of his stomach as he waits for Eddie to say something, placing his phone in the pocket of his jacket. Buck watches as Eddie opens and closes his mouth before letting out a breath and Buck takes a chance, stepping closer to Eddie and squeezing his bicep.

“Seriously, are you alright?” Buck questions, continuing to frown when Eddie snorts.. Or scofs. Buck can’t tell. But it makes something inside his chest hurt, and he finds himself rubbing just over his heart, still frowning.

“So uh, I’m on probation,” Eddie says and Buck finds himself jolting back in surprise, blinking.

“What? Why? What the  _ hell _ , Eddie?” Buck begins, his mind wandering as he tries to think of reasons as to why Eddie would be on probation. He finds himself slowly growing impatient though when Eddie remains quiet.

“Eddie man, c’mon. What’s going  _ on _ ?” Buck questions, his arms crossed in front of his chest as his foot begins to tap out his impatience.

“So, I’m on probation--”

“Which you’ve already said, man.  _ Why _ are you on probation?” Buck questions, stepping closer to Eddie with a frown.

“I uh. Ever since before -- everything? Uh, when you were on light duty, or well, before then? Shortly after the tsunami, at least --”

“Eddie, dude, c’mon, what’s going on?” Buck interrupts again, fingers running through his hair as his heart pounds against his ribcage. 

“Bosko introduced me to street fighting, and then I was brought into fighting for bets, which is how I could afford the truck, but then I nearly killed a guy and --” Eddie begins, barely breathing between words while Buck frowns and moves his body weight around.

“Street fighting? And then underground fighting?” Buck questions, eyes widening as his heart begins to pound furiously. A rather large part of him wanted to yell at Eddie, call him a hypocritical idiot, but clearly he’s learned that already if he’s been put on probation by Bobby.

“Buck--” Eddie begins, stopping when Buck shakes his head, his hands coming up to rub his face. Buck finds himself so tired suddenly, a large part of him wanting to go home and get to bed and forget what he just learned, but he knows he can’t do that when his friend so clearly and obviously needs him.

“How on Earth did you lose all your brain cells, man,” Buck whispers, somewhat teasingly while Eddie chuckles in response, shrugging his shoulders while Buck lets out a soft sigh, rubbing his face once more.

“Man, I really want to yell at you. Either for being hypocritical or stupid, but I realize you don’t really need that right now. So instead, I’m just going to ---” Buck finishes with a shrug, not sure what he’s going to do.

“I’m going to invite you back to my place so we can actually talk about this, and then maybe yell at you a little bit and then who knows what else,” Buck finishes while Eddie looks up at him from lowered eyes. Unsure if he should do this, Buck steps closer to his best friend, unable to stop himself from placing his hand on Eddie’s cheek and closing his eyes briefly.

“And then what?” Eddie asks, lips quirked up to form a small smirk while Buck shrugs.

“I don’t know man. Maybe we should finally talk about everything we’ve been avoiding talking about? I know there’s a lot of things I haven’t been telling you out of guilt,” Buck responds ignoring the way Eddie frowns at him, tilting his body backwards as he looks at Buck with narrowed eyes.

“What the hell could you not be telling me?” Eddie asks while Buck arched his eyebrow at the older man.

“Definitely nothing bad as street fighting and underground fighting, dude,” Buck responds back, feeling awkward while Eddie blushes.

“I hate that you make a point with that statement,” Eddie whispers while Buck nods, a small snort escaping from him while he steps backwards from his friend, feeling empty as his hand falls from Eddie’s cheek, the warmth of it already missed.

“So how long are you on probation for?” Buck questions, making his way to the trunk of his car and throwing his bag in the back, waiting as Eddie follows suit and Buck -- 

“A month. I don’t, I’m not looking forward to it, admittedly, but --” Eddie begins and then pauses, shrugging while Buck nods, blowing out a breath before turning towards Eddie with a frown.

“What were you thinking, man? You nearly killed a guy. And we could’ve lost you.  _ I  _ could have lost you. Christopher could have lost you, man,” Buck says, eyes wide while Eddie’s own eyes widen and his mouth open and closes. Buck doesn’t know where it came from, since he was going to say this  _ later _ but he guesses he needed to say it now.

“I don’t want to lose you, Eddie. I don’t want Christopher to lose you either, man,” Buck whispers, ignoring the way Eddie nearly tackles him, arms wrapping around his waist as his head rests against the spot between his neck and shoulder. Buck can feel himself relaxing in Eddie’s arms, his own arms also wrapping around Eddie, kissing Eddie’s forehead while he turns red but ignores it.

“You’re not going to, I swear,” Eddie responds back and Buck blows out a small breath, shaking his head while his hold tightens on the other man.

“You know I’m here if you need to talk, right? I know I wasn’t before, and I’m forever going to feel guilty about that, but I’m here  _ now _ , no matter what, okay? There’s nothing or no one that could make me leave you and Chris, please remember that,” Buck whispers and he can feel Eddie let out a sob in his chest, and Buck hates himself for it, but knows Eddie needs to hear those words.

Keeping Eddie in his arms, Buck slowly rocks the older man, shaking his head before letting out a breath, looking up at the sky.

“Do you think you can come over for a bit?” Eddie questions and Buck nods, biting on his lower lip while rubbing Eddie’s back, closing his eyes briefly. 

“I’ll stay as long you as you need me to stay for,” Buck whispers, ignoring the way Eddie’s body slumps in his arms.

“Awesome. C’mon Buckley, it’s the end of the night, time to take me home,” Eddie teases while Buck snorts, ignoring the way his heart pounds at the words, wishing he was actually able to take Eddie home and stay the night, stay every night. But Buck knows that’s not where they are, not yet, and he has to be patient, he has to work through his issues.

For Eddie, for Christopher. For them, at the very least. And as he hops into his jeep, Buck finds himself perfectly okay with that. And looking over at Eddie briefly, he has a feeling Eddie feels the very same way.

**Author's Note:**

> Did you enjoy this? Leave me comments on [my tumblr](https://smartbuckley.tumblr.com).


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